My Son Through The Revolving Door

He will be gone for at least eight months I’m told. My message to him on a freezing dead of winter morning reads, “Is there anything else I can do for you before you leave? Find out anything I can do about your taxes? I bet your jeep looks great! Get out and ride her as much as you can before you leave.”

My endless questions, outloud and internally, trying to find answers to the insanity of what is about to take place. He is preparing for war.  A war that began in 2001 with Pres. George Bush’s response to the September 11th terrorist attacks and accelerated with Pres. Barack Obama’s December 2009 decision to add 33,000 more troops to the U.S. presence in Afghanistan.  My son packs and re-packs his equipment, does his banking, prepares his will and final wishes, files his taxes, makes arrangements for his Jeep.  He will be out of communication for the majority of his time away.  It is February 2010 and violence has escalated in Afghanistan following Obama's increased troops announcement. The actual media quote is “Insurgent attacks and civilian casualties remained stubbornly high”  not exactly what a mother wants to read before her son deploys to a war.  

The realities creep into my consciousness daily but my subconscious is what awakes me at night.  My dreams and imaginings are the worst.  A man in uniform showing up at my door that I refuse to open.  A folded flag being handed to me. My meditation practice is strongly taken up a notch.  

Things that help:

• get some nerve tonic or kava kava, available at health food stores, best for the initial first weeks WTF? times

• try to be nice to others around you, it’s not always easy as your fuse is seriously shortened by the fears

• Take vitamins 

I frantically shoot him messages full of questions that bounce through my brain, wanting to jam it all in before he leaves . “Can you send me info on your FRO? I’m concerned if I'm not available who will they call? Also maybe you should give me your banking passwords in case I need to do anything?”  I feel my anxiety growing daily.  “I've got your Power of Attorney but may still need the password?“

The final message from his U.S. base coming through on my awaiting screen  “ I'm just waiting in line to get my bags weighed and go thru security.” 

Our lifeline is now the ether world of satellites and technologies through Facebook messenger.  My phone and computer don’t leave my side, I check and double check that notifications are turned on. Then check again to be sure.

I type, knowing he is enroute, hoping he gets it somewhere in the no man’s land between the safety of his home country and a foreign hostile land - the last space of suspension, between peace and war.  Somewhere in that 15 hours and 44 minutes of flight time. When he arrives, he will be living nine and a half hours ahead of us.

“I want reassurances that you'll come back the same. I realize of course you won't.  When you went off to college you didn't come home the same, just as when you get married, or move to a new city, or buy your first house. These are all experiences that will change you.  You know how to take the good and leave behind the bad. You are very well trained, you won’t be there forever, ad try and look at the positive and stay clear of consuming fearful thoughts if you can. I am holding your body mind and spirit in my daily blessings.  I love you, Send me one last pic if you can. Safe journey my darling son”

Troop levels swelled to nearly 100,000 in 2010 and 2011 amid a resurgence in violence.  

My meditation practice is  taken up a notch.  

• red wine and chocolate, do watch your doses

• get in and stay in your body - move, exercise, hike, massage 

• don't allow your body to numb out, keep it involved in the process, moving it will also move the trauma/fear through

• get outside at least once a day, even in the rain, for the sole purpose of looking at the sky

• get outside at night as much as possible, you can communicate through the stars and the moon, knowing these are the same moon/stars shining their miracles down on all involved

• Drink water

His reply, like he is working through it all himself while writing “now my team, team 1 will leave camp ___ within two days of us arriving there... we will push out Via convoy or helicopter (hopefully helicopter cause they would be awesome) to out first FOB(forward operating base) to relieve our counterparts…”

U.S. casualties total 2,403 so far. 2010 marked the deadliest year in Afghanistan, with 499 U.S. soldiers and 711 total coalition forces killed, according to the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count. 

His last message before entering Afghanistan, sounds excited, I am terrified.  Hey.. made it safe to Kuwait.. it's just as you'd expect here.. hot sandy and windy.. we are leaving for afghan very very very soon. can't tell you exactly when over this computer.. love you.. ill call when i can

I have got to stop reading the news and researching the numbers, they are overwhelming. Almost like a drug I am pulled to checking them each day.  I try to skip looking for some days, I don’t want to look, I don’t want to  know.  I joined a Facebook group of other Navy moms with kids in Afghanistan, it helps.

• breathe deep often, actual heavy sighs are best and most releasing

• pray.  ask others to put him on their prayer/intentions lists, go for broke here, you'll be surprised

• reply to every single reply you get

• vision board, the homecoming, the healing, the end result

Blank, blank, blank. My daily hourly check ins on the screen. Finally a pop up of light from 7615 miles away.

Yea its been exciting here, we got attacked again today, they just shoot at the base and hope they hit something, but it's still crazy hearing the bullets fly over your head.  they don't get close to the base.. they just shoot from far away, bullets make a crazy noise.. like a snap when they fly by..years they go right over head.. all you hear is a quick wiz/snap I don't let it get to me.. one hell of a rush though.  this is actually the down season.. it really picks up during summer.. but yes it's normal.. what do you mean move on? haha they're everywhere mom.. they live here.. but yea.. anyway i'm getting kicked off because my time is up.. love you gotta go bye..

Feb 22, 2012 - Several hundred protesters armed with rocks were blocking the way into central Kabul on the Jalalabad road in response to the burning of the Quran by US soldiers.  They were heading to Camp Phoenix , a NATO camp, and were trying to break through the gates. NATO soldiers were watching from towers and had their weapons pointed toward the crowd, but seemed to be trying to avoid opening fire. The New York Times reported from General Allen  “We are thoroughly investigating the incident, and we are taking steps to ensure this does not ever happen again. I assure you ... I promise you ... this was NOT intentional in any way.” 

 I add stronger prayer to my meditation practice.

• get ass to yoga class

• journal and keep notes, it helps you in retrospect know how things are improving

• teach, share, volunteer, give

hey mom..time is moving.. things are good..so im at a new combat outpost now.. it's even smaller than the last.. but i like it.. we are literally 10 ft away from a village.. this base is about the size of 1 or 2 city blocks.. it's very ghetto but like i said i like it here... the convoy over was a little hairy but all is good.. the food situation here sucks.. so lots of cliff bars and what not would be great please… the phones here suck too so I don't know when ill be able to call..

March 2012 - An American sergeant is suspected of killing 16 people: nine Afghan children, three women and four men in two villages near his combat outpost on Sunday. Gen. John Allen, the U.S. and NATO commander in Afghanistan, called the rampage "the actions of a single soldier," but it has added new strains to the relationship between the coalition and the Afghan people in the decade-old war.  

My worry hits its peak, this was his base, this was one of his peers. I’m finding it harder and harder to sleep for more than a few hours, my mind races and imagination runs wild, particularly in the crazy world of 2am. My shaking fingers type out from the flashing cursor the words. “We got a letter from your commanding officer about the whole tragedy, glad to hear all are safe now. Worried especially with all the recent news. Trying not to stress too much. Hoping they'll just call the whole thing off and send you home”

Radio silence….

I lean into the Navy Moms Facebook group of mothers with kids in Afghanistan.  It is like a nightmare sorority.  I stumble into others of the club, parents who have currently or have had in the past children in Afghanistan.  The man at the post office. A woman I’ve never met on my meditation message board replies. “I'm just a practitioner in Phoenix but I will pray for you and your family.” We are not alone. The unspeakable, the numbers, the casualties.  No matter how painful and challenging and disgusting it may make me feel like I have to look at their names sometimes.  I have to know how old they were, I have to say out loud Christopher Singer age 23. California. The statistics, the names, ages, will crack your soul open. 

Cost 1.07 trillion. The price tag, which includes the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and increased spending on veterans’ care, will reach $5.9 trillion by the end of fiscal year 2019, according to the Costs of War project at Brown University.

More silence….

The very worst scenarios are imagined. They creep in like a fly through a screen door in the heat of the summer and then proceed relentlessly to annoy. In order to keep them at bay i start a yoga class for returning veterans, it helps.  

• learn to knit, knit socks

• breathe in fresh air

• find a support group, online, in person, may not need be related even to the "issue"

• stay busy, travel, but all in balance, be sure to not move too fast

• did I mention to breathe deep

• go to a yoga festival

• surround yourself with upbeat, positive thinkers and doers
   

Finally the stagnant air is broken ...”no need to worry about me.. i'm fine. although I have to say it's an unreal feeling realizing that someone is actually trying to kill you.. ha you know what i mean.. very unnatural.  I was awoken with someone screaming “they are coming over the walls!!"even though I was asleep i've never moved so fast.. I was outside the tent with my weapon wearing  my vest and underwear in about 2 seconds.. turns out they were actually right at the wall shooting through the cracks but it was still they biggest adrenaline rush ive had yet, they never made it over the walls.  I don't see any down time in the near future.. buts its ok.. makes the time pass quickly.. anyway, I have to go because my time limit is up  love u - u shouldnt be awake this early anyway

May 2012 - Mother’s Day - I am out and about with family enjoying the beautiful weather, the complete opposite of where he is, the strange cryptic numbers pop up on the phone. With the joy of a child I fumble to answer the phone, the rare call, hearing his voice, choppy, distant, halting, struggling to conquer the three second delay between speaking and hearing. My surroundings dissolve, I cling to the voice waves. The precious call drops dead, deep into the black abyss of the cell void.

Hot tears flooding I type Sorry our call was so choppy but good to hear your voice. Keep your chin up. I wish I had gotten to say I love you on the call but you know that, have to remember to say it first in case we get cut off like we did. Remember there are good forces in the world. There are good people and there will be good times for you again very soon! 

It is the second highest period of casualties since the conflict began.

they actually brought in 2 taliban the other day who blew themselves up trying to plant an IED.. one had no legs and died shortly after

I go through the normal life of grocery shopping, family life, chores, work, driving kids to school. 

My meditation prayer practice steps up another notch.

• do not forget about others in your life, ie. other kids, husband.  They will be your rocks

• listen to good music, dance

• have a small spray bottle of rose water in handbag at all times, the best way to soften tear streaks after a parking lot crying jag

• find a mala, find a practice

• educate yourself on the situation, but only as much as you want to be educated

• mantra, this too shall pass

• get professional help

• ask others you trust if above is needed if you're wondering

Get rest and calm your nerves, careful of adrenal fatigue, I sent you some of that rescue remedy gum. It is for when there is high stress. Take advantage of the calm when you've got it.

haha ok i'll try out the gum - it will be put it to the ultimate test!

More blank, gap, days, weeks gone. “Normalcy” proceeding, tulips bloom, potlucks, school plays, blank blank blank then...

“we haven’t been bored ... the warmer the weather gets the more active the enemy gets. the winter is kind of their off season.. but everything is fine.. next package can you please send sunflower seeds.. club crackers.. and some of those turkey slim jim looking beef jerky things.. you know what im talking about?? also goldfish.. and maybe some of those smoked oysters.. and cheese wiz.. ha thanks.. the last one I got was the socks.. thanks they are very warm.. we don't get mail very often here because we only get it when someone from camp leatherneck comes here.. but ill get them eventually.. how is everything there?? love u  yea a big tent.. with 13 others, food is horrible”

The longest war in American history, spanning three administrations.

so just a few hours ago, I had a real afghan diner, me and a couple other guys were invited by the afghan army special forces.  I  was blown away, it was like a 4 course meal.. they had fresh veggies and meat which i haven't had since I got here...... we all sat on the floor and ate with our hands.. they invited us because they always see us working and wanted to learn about us and what we do.. it was one of the coolest things ive ever experienced.. I felt really honored..

The number of children killed in 2016 was 24 percent greater than the previous highest recorded figure.

There are these 3 little afgan boys (brothers)t hat live on this COB with the army special forces..they are 12, 9 and 7 years old.. they are so funny and polite. they are also the hardest kids i've ever met.. their story is really interesting.  they used to just come pick up the army special forces trash and they army guys would throw them a few bucks.. the taliban saw that these kids were "working for the amercans" so they threatened the kids family, said if they didnt stop they would kill the kids and torture the father and mother.. the kids father told the SF guys(special forces) about the threats and ask if they would take the kids and let them live on base for their safety.. so the kids have been living with the army SF guys ever since.. they have basically been adopted by 12 american special forces soldiers.. their parents are prolly dead by now.. pretty horrible..a few nights ago these kids missed their family.. they snuck off base and walked for 5 hours till they got to their village, when they got there they got the shit beat out of them by the taliban and they took all their clothes and money thank god they somehow made it back to base…. they are so funny, they always play all tactical and military like.. when we are working sometimes they'll stand on top of a box or on a corner, with their toy water guns and provide security for us.. haha, .. i can't say their names so i call them little one one, little one 2, and little one 3.. i worry about what will happen to them when the US pulls out of afghan... can’t even think about it..

Breathing, sitting, praying. Praying for those boys. Dumbfounded by the compassion. 

• be a bit british, keep calm and carry on

• keep phone charged and close in reach if you think you may be hearing from them

• answer the weird numbers that you don't recognize and would normally ignore

• go to the movies

• get really big dark sunglasses to go to grocery store in - to cover the bags under your eyes

 
Haven't heard from you in a while. On the move again? Only about 75 more days. Keep focused in this home stretch. 

 
Grateful for his quick reply, maybe I have finally figured out the time difference.

Roy our units military dog went home.. they said he saw too much action and was just worn out, Our new base has an awesome little stray puppy her name is kelly, just a few months old but she’s huge, actually i was gonna ask you, in the next care package send some dog treats pls

I begin to feel his weariness filtering in to the messages, or is that my weariness?

pretty ready to get home, the days all blur together, plus it goes by faster that way i have crazy dreams out here kinda bad but whatever, just dreams

I keep finding little things to send care packages. I’m sending more packages to soldiers I don’t know, the ones I’m told who aren’t getting any mail at all, and of course the condolence cards to the mothers of sons that I don’t know.  It helps.

just got mail finally;.. it's been so long, but I was super excited, felt like a kid on xmas morning... last I heard we should be home around the  ---  we're doing some kinda warrior transition in Qatar ...but also ready to be home soon

Home.  He is 10 months into an 8 month tour.  

Casualties for the months he was there:

24 - Feb
39 - March
40 - Aril
45 - May
39 - June
46 -- July
52 - Aug
27 - Sept
24 - Oct
17 - Nov

well i just got to Qatar, it looks exactly like afghan except it’s humid and you don’t have to worry about mortars or IDF coming crashing through your tent haha...

November 2012 -  I fly to surprise him when he gets off the plane.  I am in the same building that houses his replacements.  While his group arrives there is another making their final preparations.  It’s just a revolving door, kids coming back, shipping out, his words when he first arrived “to relieve our counterparts”  I say prayers for those boys in that building, it is very quiet, I pray for those parents.  It is hard to settle my elation at his homecoming and simultaneously feel  the strain of this next round heading over to replace him.  We were asked to not go into the building, they are in full gear with their weapons. Our boys, soon deboarding the bus, without their weapons.

We are escorted outside to where the buses are beginning to arrive from the plane.  I madly scan each bus, I stand with my homemade sign, heart in throat. The group allows the soldier dads to get off the buses first. I watch new fathers gingerly hold their child for the first time.

I see him, in the back of the bus, I can’t stop myself from yelling his name, still jumping up and down, clutching my sign.  Finally he is off the bus, I clasp onto him and gasped like a muffled cork from a champagne bottle, 10 months of relief in one exhale.  He is dirty and tired and hungry and home. 

I take him and his friends out for the biggest meal we can find. The meal is festive, all grateful to be home. He is a man returned from war but I can still see that young boyish twinkle in his eye, his huge appetite at lunch, his unconsciously whistling aloud (and off tune) in the restaurant. Something he has done his entire life, his whistle of contentment, a sign that all is well in his world.  He takes me on a drive in his jeep with his grown up man hands on the stick shift.  Sitting on the pier I listen to his stories.  Waves of release and sadness. He is 25 years old. A man who is proud of everything he did on this deployment.  And in his words "that is what made it a success mom".    

• be grateful
  
  Addendum:
  President Barack Obama ended the combat mission in Afghanistan, known as “Operation Enduring Freedom,” in 2014, however, the  U.S. still has 14,00 troops there now in 2019 with an additional 22,000 troops from 39 nations. March 2019; death toll for year so far 4 US soldiers - my meditation practice again steps up a notch.